Some people just can’t help themselves; despite having an ugly break-up, certain individuals love nothing more than to have sex with their exes. Most sound minded folks like to point out the obvious; if the union ended for a reason, why are these two getting in the sack together again? Not to mention the consequences that can come from hooking up. It’s doubtful that a night of sex resolved any of the past issues the ex-lovers had.
There is a scientific explanation for this type of behaviour. It doesn’t excuse it or condone hooking up, it simply clarifies this reckless sex.
It can take couples a few times before they end their relationship once and for all.
Even when you have both moved on, it is tempting to pick up the phone and see what that person is up to.
Of course, one phone call can lead to a coffee together and that can lead to more…
If there was passion, spark, and an itch, chances are you two may end up in bed together all over again.
For some, it may be a one time mistake not to be repeated again.
For others, it’s exciting and addictive. Sex with an ex often feels better than it did when you were together.
The ex may have been in good in bed but is it enough to get involved like that again?
Inevitably after giving into sexual desires comes the guilt, the self-loathing of putting yourself in that situation.
A study from Northwestern University in Illinois found a link between the brain and sex.
Adam Safron, a neuroscientist, found “Orgasms feel so good because sexual stimulation sends the brain into an altered state of consciousness; it blocks everything else, and allows us to solely focus on the sensation.”
This means, you are feeling so good about sex that you are not thinking about the consequences.
“The idea that sexual experiences can be like trance states is in some ways ancient. Turns out this idea is supported by modern understandings of neuroscience,” Safron says. “In theory, this could change the way people view their sexuality.
“Sex is a source of pleasurable sensations and emotional connection, but beyond that, it’s actually an altered state of consciousness,” Safron explains.
Safron’s past research revolves around orgasms.
Safron found orgasms’ work in a reward type mechanism.
Exes may even hate each other and have vowed to never speak to each other ever again, but somehow find themselves having sex.
Safron found that sex can have the same effect as music and dance.
The trance-like state music and dance puts folks in is the same when it comes to sex.
Psychology Today takes this idea of trance a step further.
“Sex releases neurochemicals that forge emotions, feelings of attachment, and even love,” it states.
The hormone oxytocin has been called the “love hormone” for a reason.
Oxytocin has been found to increase sexual arousal. “It’s like a hormone of attachment, you might say. It creates feelings of calm and closeness,” says Carol Rinkleib Ellison, a clinical psychologist former assistant clinical psychiatry professor at the University of California, San Francisco.
Studies found that couples who are separated for a long time have reduce oxytocin.
Therefore, the feeling or need to see that person again increases.
This explains those texts and emails to find out what your ex-lover is up to.
“Going back to an ex is a forever phenomenon,” says relationship expert Audrey Hope. “You don’t have to be in the same room with a former lover or spouse to still feel the bonding.”
Others suggest sex with an ex has to do with closure.
It may even ease into letting that person go from your personal life.
The Journal of Family published a study that found the harder and more abrupt the break-up the more likely the adults had post sex.
The University of Arizona found that 21.9 percent of divorcees in their study had sex after the marriage dissolved.
Another 82.5 percent kept in touch after their divorce, sans sex.
The research revealed sex helped to alleviate the stress and emotional pain that comes from divorce.
Patrick Wanis, human behavior and relationship expert, told Medical Daily that having sex with an ex is all about feeling safe.
“This person is familiar. Familiarity can create security,” Wanis explains.
For unknown reasons to scientists, women produce higher levels of oxytocin than men.
Therefore, women are more likely to fall victim to ex sex.
Robert Weiss, relationship expert, and author of Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating says women’s vulnerability is a factor for this behaviour.
“Your longing for connection, physical touch, and sexual contact could also lead to ex-sex,” Weiss says.
While women’s oxytocin levels may be higher than men, guys release dopamine during orgasm.
Dopamine is a pleasure hormone which may explain the way the two sexes view ex sex.
Men may be more allured to sex with an ex if they believe if it’s just going to be sex, and not rekindle the whole relationship,” Wanis says.
But just because it feels great to have sex with an ex, it doesn’t mean you should.
If you are having a difficult time letting go, sex will prolong the process.
The sex may be great but that doesn’t mean you are meant to be together. Remember all the reasons the relationship ended.
Kansas State University found couples stuck in cyclical relationships tended to be more impulsive.
It not only affected their sexual life but also bigger factors like moving in together, having children together, or buying a pet as a couple.
“We tend to go to the past because we tend to think of the past as being better because it’s already written,” Wanis explains. “We know how it happened, we know what happened, and how it ended. We believe it’s certain; we think we’ll gain stability or intimacy.”
Instead, Wanis suggests spending quality time alone. Finding out what you want in life and the type of partner you need.
Sometimes couples do get back together and are meant to be in each other’s life.
Most times, however, you both need to go your own separate ways. Regardless of the great sex and mind blowing orgasms, it is not worth the emotional roller-coaster.