Masturbation has been frowned upon, revered, and even prescribed by doctors throughout the ages. But our ancestors didn’t always have access to some of the ingenious inventions that we have today like fleshlights, the Twerking Butt from PornHub, or even a good old fashion vibrating dildo. So they had to make do with whatever they could find, especially since, society in general seemed to make anyone caught doing it feel like crap about it. So here are some creepy masturbation techniques that some people used throughout time, some of them are totally disturbing, but they clearly did their job.
Masturbation was generally frowned upon throughout history.
In 1716, masturbation was said to be a heinous sin or an act of self-pollution. Even a Dutch scholar once claimed that you could wind up with stomach and lung issues, as well as loss of motion and eye problems.
Clearly, back in the day, they tried scaring us by making us believe that there were consequences.
The Victorians led people to believe that it caused spermatorrhea, a disease that was allegedly common among chronic masturbators. The symptoms were extreme nervousness and an overflow of white goo at night. Yikes!
Chastity belts weren’t just used to prevent women from cheating on their husbands.
The device was often put in place so that women wouldn’t have sex with other men while their men went off to war. But the unsanitary device, which in some cases, causes injuries, also made it tough for women to flick their beans.
According to Taoism, masturbation isn’t such a terrible thing at all.
In Taoism, when a man masturbates, his ejaculate becomes energy which goes down his spine and gets turned into spiritual power. But the act, dubbed Single Cultivation was said to weaken a man during ejaculation.
Other alleged intellectuals throughout history called the act the Mistress of Venus.
Somehow, Mistress of Venus sounds a lot better than calling it defilement, dishonor or the sinister hand, which many used to refer to the left hand that most men use to relieve themselves.
There’s also a link between masturbation and witchcraft.
During the Middle Ages, particularly in Europe, instead of drinking a foul smelling witches brew that often produced nausea, some women applied these concoctions and hallucinogens on the tip of their broomsticks. The brew would then get absorbed through the vagina’s mucous membrane.
Masturbation was said to be a temporary cure for women with mental disorders.
When women were diagnosed with hysteria, a clitoral massage was applied to treat their condition. Clearly, an orgasm really does the body, and the mind a whole lot of good.
Doctors who provided clitoral massages invented the first dildoes.
It turns out that these dear old doctors were getting Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from using their fingers to treat women’s hysteria. So they came up with a dildo, which was more pleasurable for women, and easier on the doctor’s wrist.
Women weren’t the only ones subjected to anti-sex contraptions.
During the early days, some men used a spermatic truss which choked the blood stream and made erection impossible. This is probably where the saying, choke the chicken, came from.
The West was considered by some to be an asexual culture.
Some women weren’t even allowed to fold their legs, and even the stitching on men’s jean pockets were designed to prevent crotch contact from occurring. Freaky, right?
Even today, some things haven’t really changed all that much.
There are still some in the world that try to advocate genital mutilation on men and women as some sort of right of passage, for religious purposes, or to prevent the spread of illnesses.
The Marquis de Sade may be a sexual hero today, but in his time, he was considered a degenerate.
The French aristocrat and all-around libertine pervert engaged in BDSM, fetishism and other sexual techniques that landed him in a nut house for 30 years. But you can’t blame them given that the late 17th,early 18th century man masturbated into a sacred chalice and put communion wafers inside a prostitute’s vagina.
In today’s world, a nanny masturbating a child would end up in prison for child abuse.
But back in 17th century Europe, a nanny giving little boys a hand, literally, was considered safe because it helped these kids fall asleep faster.
Masturbation may have brought our reality into existence according to the Egyptians.
In Egyptian mythology, the hermaphroditic god Atum created Shu and Tefnut, who became the grandparents of Isis and Osiris by whacking himself off. But the Book of the Dead claims that Atum will one day return to drown everything in the waters of the river of Nun.
From a historical perspective, masturbation was an ancient symbol of abundance.
Some cultures viewed semen as something to hold in, while others saw masturbation as a way of summoning agricultural fecundity. It’s why ancient Middle Eastern pagans engaged in mutual masturbation orgies during the harvest. This summoned the energies from the gods of life and land.
Islam considers masturbation a sin, but the art of Jelqing originated in the Middle East.
Jelqing was an aggressive form of fluffing designed to enlarge a man’s penis. It was considered dangerous because it caused pain, irritation and tearing of blood vessels.
In some cultures, the only way to conceive a child was if a woman had an orgasm.
The ancient Greeks believed that both men and women had to orgasm for a child to be born so masturbation was encouraged during a sex act. In Taoism, sex was only allowed if a woman was aroused, making masturbation a necessity rather than an option.
Vibrators aren’t a modern invention. Just ask Cleopatra, who came up with one using bees.
Back in 54 B.C., the Egyptian queen used an empty gourd full of bees to get off when there wasn’t a man around to plunder her vagina. Ironically, snakes were also used as makeshift vibrators, but not in Cleopatra’s case, since an asp was responsible for her death.
This Victorian hand-crank did a whole lot more for women than relieve pain.
In the 1890s, a steam-powered device named the Manipulator was conceived of by an American doctor. Although it was intended to be used for sexual purposes, but women found a better use for it.
Then vibrators harnessed the energy of a locomotive engine, so to speak.
It was steam-powered and named the Chattanooga because it was so strong that two men had to operate it. Ironically, it looks a bit like a butt machine occasionally seen in modern porno videos.
Blood stimulators became a craze and were even sold in catalogs for women.
The first electromechanical vibrator was made by Dr. Granville to help women suffering from hysteria during the Victorian age. Since then, the contraption has evolved to become more concise and easier to handle.
This highly polished 28,000-year-old dildo was unearthed a few years back.
German scientists blushed when they found the world’s oldest phallus. It was 20 cm of polished siltstone and it was discovered in Hohle Fels Cave near Ulm, Swabia by a Tubingen University Team. We’re guessing girls knew how to party in those days.